"Naw. Everybody’s riding these kinds of rims. And the chicks like 'em."
"I’m fifty-something, married for thirty years. I got grown kids and a bad leg."
"Oh. That’s too bad. I mean...havin’ a bad leg."
I quizzed the assistant manager at Humongous Tire World about the available wheel choices in my price bracket. I needed to get rid of the original rims because they were so out of round that hub caps would no longer stay on. Besides, they looked like crap.
My introduction to this process started at 8:00 AM. I stood behind the first customer, biding my time and looking around at the open floor plan of what is really a spacious warehouse with windows. Tires of every variety were stacked everywhere. Not realizing my mental drift while waiting, I started giggling at the memory of an episode of The Red Green Show, involving tires.
If you’ve never seen or heard of The Red Green Show, it was broadcast up here in New England by PBS for several years. It was a fictional show hosted by a fictional backwoods mountain man named Red Green who would provide all sorts of backcountry, old timey, remedies and solutions to the common man and home maker’s everyday problems. Like transforming a 1971 AMC Gremlin into a gull wing car with a steel plate cutter and a roll of duct tape. But his brilliance was unsurpassed in the episode dedicated to recycling truck tires into a girls’ bedroom set. He showed how to stack and tack so as to create a chest of drawers, and how the do-it-your-selfer could create the most awesome bunk bed for sleep-overs with reclaimed Super Swamper tires and posts from a chain link fence.
Anyway, the assistant manager and first customer were giving me the wrinkled brow as I snapped out of my mirth. When my turn came up I inquired as to my options for new wheels not requiring hub caps.
My attendant bore a striking resemblance and nuance to Cheech Marin. I forget his name now, but I’ll call him Ralph.
"I need four rims Ralph."
"Ok, whatta ya want? We got five, six, eight, ten and twelve spoke wheels with chrome. The chrome looks real good. "
"Cheap. I want cheap."
"How much you wanna pay?"
"A hundred bucks, tops."
"Oh, hell, we got all sorts of choices for a hundred. Take a look at those Diablos over there. A hundered apiece installed, balanced, and warranted for a year. The deal can’t be beat."
"There must be a misunderstanding. Did you say $100 A PIECE?"
"Yeah."
"No. I only want to pay $100 for all four."
Ralph look at me, then he looked over to the other attendant standing next to him watching our discourse. They both burst out laughing, and had the nerve to fake leaning on each other for support to keep from collapsing with the pain of hilarity.
This transaction was going south, fast.
I said, "I don’t understand."
"No, man. The best I can do for you is $350 for four wheels, installed and balanced, with chrome lug nuts, and a two follow up torque checks. Three-fifty. Plus tax."
"What the F-ing JC on a crutch deal is that? Are you serious? I don’t need chrome lug nuts. Screw the torque check or whatever."
"It’s a package. Check out the competition, man. You can’t do better."
"Alright. What are my choices?"
"Right over there in that stack display. Second row down. Third from the left. The Black Knight. Five spokes, chrome lugs. Sweet."
"My car is eleven years old. It’s got 180K on it, dents and scratches Ralph. It’s silver."
"Ohhh. Ok, then we got the Maxxum Versa for the same price. Ten spokes, brushed satin finish, aircraft grade aluminum alloy. Third row down. Just below the Black Knight. Clean. It’s got sex appeal."
I expressed my doubts about the compatibility of these new wheels with the age and pedigree of The Bullet... and me. But I knew from previous on line searches that I was not going to do better despite my feigned indignation at being "gouged" for four pieces of aluminum.
"MAXXUM VERSA, huh? Does the PACKAGE come with a wide brim hat? If I’m going to cruise down the street in a Superfly ride I want to be wearing matching gear."
And here we are.
Time to cue up the Curtis Mayfield on the stereo.
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