Home Improvement

So we’re home this weekend for a few improvement projects prior to the Holidays. My assigned task is to strip and re-wax the kitchen floor. It has been something like three years since I last did this and the floor is looking a little beat.

OK, so E and I went to Home Depot to rent a floor "maintenancer" (aka "buffer"). If you’re not familiar with one of these contraptions it is a rotary motor mounted over a circular plate that turns round and round. Attached for the user’s driving pleasure is a tall adjustable post with handle bars. That’s it. It looks like one of those old fashion push mowers except for the spinning circular plate, that’s about 22 inches in diameter, under the motor. A rough pad of woven nylon is stuck to the plate as the business end that does all the work on the floor.

The key operative feature is the fact the user must know how to apply a tilt to the spinning plate via the handle bars to propel the whole device in the desired direction. It does not work with wheels, although two small wheels are mounted at the base of the motor for transport. The buffer spins clockwise at a relatively high rate, and the direction of propulsion is a direct function of where you bias the tilt because you are using friction to move as well as work. Want to go right? Tilt back. Want to go forward? Tilt left. How about left? Tilt forward. Got it? This is all not immediately intuitive, but one can get the hang of it with some practice. 

The problem tends to be the fact practice is “live”, and generally takes place when the floor is wet with liquid wax stripper, which is very slippery stuff. You can try and maneuver away from slippery areas by working one end of the room to the other but sooner or later you will have to go back and go over an area that is wet. If you try this you will find out very quickly that nothing short of track spikes will keep your feet planted against sliding around like you’re out on an ice rink. 

The monster threw me around like a midget at a bouncer's tossing competition. I got jacked into the stove, caromed of the refrigerator, slid and flopped around the kitchen like a tuna on a fishing trawler. The spastic fit culminated with a full blown split. My body has no capability for this, and I am now injured. 

I couldn’t immediately understand why I was having so much trouble controlling the unruly beast, because I did this job before. A little investigation uncovered the reason. The machine I used before had a manageable 1/4 horse power motor and 12 inch plate. This thing…the ultimate behemoth of floor buffers, was rigged with something far larger, and I think it has a turbo charger. I remember my skepticism when the rental clerk brought it over on a dolley. My reaction was “damn that thing looks burly..” I should have known from the fact it took a lot more muscling into the car trunk than expected.

 I might add that I received the most thorough instruction on how to strip and wax a floor than I ever imagined. The clerk was totally into his job, and I respect that. But in his zeal to make sure I understood every nuance of the job he just simply overwhelmed me with minutia and I tuned him out. My eyes must have glazed over sometime around the demonstration of the proper position with hips square and feet at shoulder width because I only recall a dull roar. 

Maybe I should have listened better.

Here is a photo of the Marquis De Sade of rental tools.